In a monologue on HBO’s “Real Time,” host Bill Maher encouraged the American Psychiatric Association to recognize “Terminally Online Disease,” or TOD, as a new disorder in the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders. “Tonight I am asking the American Psychiatric Association to add a new disorder to the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders, Terminally Online Disease, TOD or Todd,” Maher announced. “People experiencing TOD feel intense emotional distress from spending all day doomscrolling on their phone and these people need your help because TOD doesn’t just affect those who suffer from it. It also affects their families and loved ones who aren’t terminally online.” “These are the ones we call people who have sh*t to do,” Maher continued. “Unlike people who suffer from TOD, people who have sh*t to do don’t imagine that expressing an opinion at everything makes them the solution to America’s problems.”

BILL MAHER: And finally, new rule, you don’t have to react to everything, or have a hot take on everything, or care if someone says they don’t like cats. You know, it wasn’t that long ago when the most banal question you could ever ask someone was, are you a cat person or a dog person? Well, those innocent days are over, as actors Paul Meskell and Jesse Buckley found out recently when they were asked that and said, they don’t like cats, and the internet coughed up a furball of rage. How dare they? They don’t like cats, but I do? Then one of us must die. Jesse Buckley even said she made her husband give their cat away. So what? They gave it away. They didn’t have it sewn into a coat. They’re not trying to outlaw cats. They’re not eating them like Haitians. They just said they don’t like them. That’s allowed. People are allowed to have an opinion you don’t share without you reacting. It’s just a cloud. Let it pass. But no, that’s not how a certain kind of people these days think. For them, having a phone to post from is like hosting a one-person episode of The View that never ends. Remember that the next time you read the words Twitter reacts or backlash erupts or internet explodes. The internet didn’t explode. Some Gen Z loser at the Daily Beast and some right-wing sh*t poster exploded. No one else cared. The media would have you think that we’re all at each other’s throats all the time, but it’s actually just a tiny minority who are on and in media and social media and who just want to fight and bitch about everything, leaving the false impression that America is hopelessly divided. But most people aren’t hopelessly trapped in a news silo. They’re hopelessly trapped in a minivan telling the kids, shut up, I can’t hear myself think. Twitter, X now, only has one out of ten Americans visit it daily. Eighty percent of us don’t even have it. I’m sure it has 500 million posts every day, but half of them come from the owner. Turns out it really is like a town square, specifically Times Square in the 70s. Dirty, sketchy, and mostly full of perverts and losers with nothing better to do. Yes, I’m looking at you, all the people who lost it because Timothee Chalamet said no one cares about opera and ballet. Which prompted so many who have never been to the ballet or opera with no plans to go to rise up and say, I have a dog in this fight. Me, I don’t. I went to the ballet once and I loved it because in the age of anxiety we live in, it was so great to get that kind of really deep, deep sleep where you just wake up so refreshed. I kid ballet and I’m sure it’s a great place to meet anorexics, but most people are watching Dancing with the Stars. That’s why tonight I am asking the American Psychiatric Association to add a new disorder to the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders, Terminally Online Disease, TOD or Todd. People experiencing TOD feel intense emotional distress from spending all day doom scrolling on their phone and these people need your help because TOD doesn’t just affect those who suffer from it. It also affects their families and loved ones who aren’t terminally online. These are the ones we call people who have sh*t to do. Unlike people who suffer from TOD, people who have sh*t to do don’t imagine that expressing an opinion at everything makes them the solution to America’s problems. Now here’s how you know, I like you, here’s how you know if you suffer from TOD. If the daily outrage cycle becomes your entire personality and you scroll all day to find the outrage, then screenshot the thread, then post the screenshot with the caption, this. Okay. People with real lives don’t do this because they’ve got sh*t to do. They haven’t pored over every email in the Epstein files because they have their own mail to sort through, like the electric bill and the gas bill. Right now, right now there’s a big fight going on between Megyn Kelly and Ben Shapiro about Candace Owens and as it plays out, it’s very important to remember that the most common reaction to it from Americans is, I don’t know who any of these people are and I don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about. During most prime time nights, less than 1% of the country is watching Fox News, CNN and MS Now combined, combined. A guy on TikTok pressure washing his driveway gets bigger ratings. 76% of Americans watch less than one hour of any cable news in a month. You thought opera was getting its ass kicked. If you ask most Americans what their opinion of Tulsi Gabbard is, their answer is going to be, what’s a Tulsi Gabbard? They don’t care that Bad Bunny sang in Spanish at the Super Bowl and they’re completely unaware that they’re supposed to be boycotting Target or Chick-fil-A. Here’s the criteria they use when deciding where to go for chicken. How’s the chicken? They don’t know who Stephen Miller is. They don’t watch the show about the gay hockey player. And if they had to guess, they’d say MS Now is a multiple sclerosis charity and Fox and Friends is a children’s cartoon show. Their lives don’t revolve around having a hot take on every stupid thing. Katy Perry went to space and now she’s the worst person on earth. Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza. You know what? You’re arguing about these things. Here’s the hottest take of all. Who gives a sh*t? Here’s my take. Eat some fruit. If God wanted us to have an opinion on everything, he wouldn’t have given us the shrug emoji.

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