HBO host Bill Maher on Friday’s “Real Time” delivered a monologue on how the FIFA World Cup has caused a resurgence of American patriotism.

BILL MAHER: New Rule, let’s all give it up for soccer being the greatest sport. No, no, not the game itself. That sucks. I mean, there’s more scoring at a Star Trek convention, but I am loving that the World Cup has brought to our shores all these people who are doing Americans the service of reminding us just when we needed it on our big 250 birthday. But actually, this place is kind of awesome. And yes, I know how dare I, how privileged when there are so many problems and threats and people left behind. All true. I could give you the statistics where we are not good enough and have done so many times. Infant mortality rate, 54th in the world, women in government, 85th, overdose deaths, lack of health insurance, yes, many problems. But that’s because the name of our country is America, not utopia. And the appropriate comparison isn’t to the Eden you might imagine, it’s to every other place on earth. We can’t be more perfect than what’s in your mind. We can only be more perfect than Belgium, which I bet has nicer airports, but trust me has its own problems. And I never saw anyone getting ecstatic about being there. But that’s exactly what I’ve been seeing here for the last month. Social media flooded with videos of slack-jawed soccer tourists wandering around America positively gushing about everything we take for granted, reminding us what America looks like from the outside. That’s through the lens of some influencer explaining why watering your lawn is violence. Just regular people looking around and saying, wow, these people live like rock stars. Look at this Japanese guy trying Texas barbecue. Last time he was that excited, he was rubbing himself against a stranger on the subway. British people are walking through Costco like they’re touring the Vatican on mushrooms. One European guy said, this is the biggest tourist attraction I can have as a European. It’s like a museum. He was talking about Walmart. Our comfort foods, supermarkets, big box stores, stadiums, they’re blowing their minds. You could buy a ceramic beaver wearing sunglasses. Fuck yeah, you can. And you can buy mayonnaise by the gallon. This guy can’t believe pizza comes in a size this large. One point six pieces of pizza. Wait until they see our asses. American food is insane, said another one. Try the hot dog today, American delicacy, and oh my God, why does the sausage taste so good? Well, it’s the rat hair, but we just know how to do it. Listen to this. There are thousands of people from countries we think of as prosperous and advanced who have come here and are now saying they can no longer go on in life if they can’t get ranch dressing. One woman from Sweden said, why did no one tell me ranch sauce is like crack? Because it’s not. Your crack must suck. Really, I never heard anyone say this crack is like eating ranch. But plainly, plainly, we have a lot of things here we assumed everyone has and they don’t. They came here for soccer and can’t believe you can watch it while having a beer. Yeah, they don’t have that in Europe. Let that sink in. In the paradise you think the rest of the world is, they can’t drink beer in public without beating the shit out of each other. And have you seen Europeans reacting to air conditioning? Like at some exotic experimental technology? Every summer they’re sitting in a 400-year-old stone building sweating through their Speedo underwear, as opposed to America, where we ask the question, what if my living room didn’t cause heat stroke? Here’s my favorite foreign visitor testimony from this month. AUSTRALIAN MAN: I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life about America. This beach is insane. Like just as good as Australian beaches. But if you log onto the news, everything’s bad. Everything’s terrible. It’s not. It’s absolutely fucking amazing. MAHER: Well, thank you for that perspective Australian dude who probably just stole somebody’s American girlfriend. There actually are some good things about us. Even with all the ICE nonsense, we have more immigrants than the next four countries combined. We have to fight for it, but still have freedom of speech and assembly and trial by jury. And even if you’re found guilty, you can still ask a Kardashian to get you a pardon. Other countries struggle just to have water. Here, we make it put on a show. In the desert, no less. We have drive-throughs for both church and sex toys. That’s right. You can buy a dildo, then ask the Lord to forgive you for it without ever leaving your car. We have the strongest intellectual property, the most innovative R&D, the highest GDP, the most valuable companies, and the most trillionaire. Now look, maybe it’s a coincidence, but I think it’s something in the American system and character that we have the highest number of Nobel Prize winners and invented the light bulb, the telephone, the smart phone, the airplane, personal computers, and the party-sized bag of extra-flaming hot cheese. Plus, you can believe in whatever crazy religion you want here, and 24 states have legal weed, and our pop stars can juggle knives. Happy 4th, everybody, and have a great month of July.

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